I wish there was no one in my life that I could hurt.

I just wish I could run away with my cat and my dog and my rats and have the money to live on my own and not hurt anyone in the process. I’m sick of worrying about having to keep my friendship together with certain people.

My friend Ashley semi-sarcastically said I should drop school for the year and just travel with her for 6 months. If I could bring Dunkin, if I knew that I wouldn't hurt people in the process and I could afford to just take a year off life, I would.
I wish I could. The sad part is, there are very few people I would miss. Even then I’d only miss them for so long.
Other people I would miss because I’d feel obligated to. My friend Alex told me he has the memory of a gold fish when it comes to people. People become just part of the past when he moves.
But I can’t afford to leave right now. Not only money wise. I'd lose a lot if I just took off for 6 months/a year. I'd probably lose a job or two(I have 3) I think I'd lose a lot of friends... I'd lose money because I wouldn't be working but I'd be spending to travel. My life would completely change. I think I'd lose myself. I wouldn't want to come back. If/when I did come back I’d be different.
I’m afraid that I’d like being completely detached from this life too much to come back to it.

The month of august is always really off for me. The change of schedule from school to summer and the stress and drama that goes on during summer throws me off. I get into a really weird head space.
I’m really hurt because I know I’ve hurt a friend but it wasn’t intentional. She’s backed away from me because every time I was in a weird head space around her, she’d think it was because of her even when I told her it wasn’t. Amy pointed out to me that it took her a while to get me to actually talk and even say I’m not feeling good but I don’t know why. Because I never know why until I feel better or it’s clearly pointed out to me. That friend and I have had a few talks but I’m not any less confused about what’s going on with her. I understand that she wants to see her other friends as much as she wants to see me, but I feel like she’s seeing everyone more than she tries to see me. She hasn’t come here or even tried to come over at all in the past month. She used to go out of her way to see me, even if it was just for a few minutes. Now I feel like everyone else comes before me. I feel like it isn’t fair.
I want things between her and I to go back to how they were a month ago.