I sorta wish both leila and I were in a better head space so that things could just get serious and we could get over that phase where things are unsure and a little awkward and so new.. but we've only been on one date and I'm not over Chantelle nearly enough to be in a relationship and she's not sure enough about what she wants with me to be in a relationship and I know I'd just regret starting something serious this fast.
I don’t want just a fling. I hate flings. When I start a relationship I want it to last which I guess is why I tend to go…or want to go to ex's when I rebound. I’ve already established something with them.
I hate the beginning of the relationship most. Those first, maybe 2 months, depending on how often we see each other.  I like the lust in it and the excitement of it but the first month is always so awkward and unsure and new. I love being in a long term relationship.. once we hit 3-6 months when everything's become usual and comfortable and that person is just part of your life now. I like that part so much better. I guess it's one of the reasons I have a really hard time letting go.
Right now I just want someone to hold me and kiss me and help me forget about Chantelle because she’s not taking me back and at this point I’m not even sure I want to. Leila’s kinda that comfort blanket right now.. but it’s a part time thing, and I don’t want to rush stuff with her or fuck it up. I’ve only seen her once. I hate not knowing anything.