We officially broke up… I couldn’t take not seeing her anymore. We started going out two months ago. We broke up for a bit, during that week was the only time I ever saw her and it was for about 5 minutes. Apart from that I haven’t seen her in 3 months. She’d been my girlfriend for two months and I’d never really kissed her.
My life is really fucked up right now, I’ve never been so stressed out. I never feel stressed out. Everything’s been stressing me out and pissing me off and unnerving me and making me cry. I hate it. My emotions are all fucked up, I’ll be happy for half an hour, laughing and cheerful with my friends and then something completely random will bring me down and I can’t get back up for a few hours. I have happy moments but the downs are harsher and longer every time. I’m also temped to try drugs. A year ago I would never have even touched weed. Now I’ve tried smoking up a few times, but it never works and I want to try something else. I want to be happy.
M-d told me she was getting plastic surgery done. She wanted me to guess what but I didn’t want to. She eventually told me that she was getting work done on her boobs. I didn’t really say anything. I didn’t know what to say. But then she said it was to get a reduction or something. I don’t really understand it. I think she’s beautiful the way she is. Like yeah, they’re bigger than I usually like but I don’t see the point in permanently altering your body through surgery unless you really need it. Then she started saying how she was going to ask her mom for liposuction. That just.. That was really stupid. She’s 17, and she’s beautiful the way she is. Squishy doesn’t mean ugly. That conversation last night with her made me realize I really don’t think I could be happy with someone who isn’t comfortable with their body to the point where they need to surgically change it. People change enough as it is just because of things like hair cuts, or a different environment or decide to change their clothes. I noticed I changed a lot when I chopped off my hair. I’d been with James for two and a half years, it was completely chaos, I was crying once a week over stupid arguments. When we broke up for good, I decided I was done with men. I hadn’t been attracted to him physically anymore for a while anyways. I wanted to change so I cut my hair. I cut off 20 inches, but a part of me left with the hair. I’m happy I cut because it helped me get over him and change and feel better about myself, but I miss my waist length hair. I regret cutting it a little, but if I hadn’t cut it, I wouldn’t understand how easily physical changes, change your personality.
It’s her body, I’m not going to stop her.
I miss her every day, two months ago she was so into me. I was ready to do anything for her. I used to consider her one of my closest friends even through we didn’t know each other very well. But I need a physical connection with her, to be able to honestly feel close to her. Physical touch from most people I’m comfortable with is a comfort more than almost anything. It’s not even sexual. It was like that with her. I was really comfortable with her, it wasn’t sexual. Then she went on a date with a girl after her and Natasha had broken up. I got jealous. I told her that and that’s when I realized I still like her. At the beginning of September, this is where our friendship was at. She’d texted me…
M-D – Gabby, you scare me.
Me – Why do I scare you?
M-D – because you like me and I think I might like you.
Me – And why is that a bad thing?
M-D – Because I’m afraid I’ll fall for you.
There was more to that conversation. She later asked me why I liked her, I told her and then I asked her the same. “You are understanding and beautiful, you have a good sense of humour, you’re a great person.” It made me happy. But that was our relationship, through text messages, sometimes the phone. She’d send me texts like “I heart you” and “Baby wake up, I want to hear your voice” She made me feel really happy even though I didn’t see her. In all my other relationships, sex was always there. It was always physical. It took over the emotional and personal part of the relationships. We’d talked about sex, but always vaguely. It felt good for sex to not be an issue. For the first few weeks, it was really amazing. We’d talk and text and says I love you, even though I knew the love wasn’t real love. Although most of the time she made me really happy, sometimes I really doubted her. I got my hopes up every time I had gymnastics, I hoped that she’d actually drop by to come and see me at training, she lived about 10 minutes away. But she never actually came. I invited her to come to a wedding with me, she said she’d come but she never showed up. She didn’t call me till two days later either. I couldn’t take it anymore. She’d done that to me twice before. We talked, it wasn’t harsh or anything. I’m not sure we were even together… She takes on too much. She’s always busy with school, and if it’s not school it’s something else. She kept saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she’s not ready for commitment. That she felt pressured by everyone. It all made sense when she told me, but I can’t really remember most of it. It still makes sense, but I can’t piece it together out loud. Maybe I don’t want it to be real.
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I cut a few parts out of this because although they were my honest words, they were lies she made me believe.
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