Between November 8th 2008 and May 23th 2009, I kept a journal. Sometimes I’d write 10 pages in one night, other times I wouldn’t write for weeks. I wrote it all down on paper but I want to type it up, and try to remember how I felt. I plan on posting it. I felt like that was so long ago. I know I’m not that person anymore. But it was only a year ago.
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I was thinking and I realized that she is hurting me more than he ever did. I think it felt like he hurt me so bad because he knew which buttons to push to piss me off or to make me happy. In the end, he didn’t need to push at me very hard for me to break down.
She hurts so much more cause I got attached so quickly and now I feel like she’s just pushing my buttons all at the same time just to figure me out. Testing me to figure me out wont work. It’ll make me close up and back away from her. But I don’t want to do that. I love her, I really do…
I first met her summer 2006. But we didn’t really keep in contact. About a year ago, I’m not really sure what I was doing, but something made me think of her, I ended up finding her on facebook and we talked on msn for a few hours that night. I found out she had a girlfriend, which was okay because I was still with James. I found it odd that she told me they were engaged though. She was probably 15 or 16. I kept talking to her pretty often after that night. I don’t really remember what we’d talk about but she says we called each other a lot. When I do remember calling, I know she’d talk to me for a long while. She seemed interested in me, until we actually started dating.
This summer I worked for the Ottawa school of art, I was downtown a lot of the time, more than ever before. She met me after I was done work one day and we bussed to her cousin’s place in Orleans. Her girlfriend had cheated on her, so I tried cheering her up. She ended up balling her eyes out telling me that she’s the only girl she’s ever really loved. I only looked at her as a friend, even though I’d had a huge thing for her when we first met. I think I was totally crushing on Fiona at the time. As we were about to leave, she randomly kissed me, just a peck, but I totally wasn’t expecting it. She said it was to prove that she loves her girlfriend and by kissing me and not feeling anything showed just how much she cares about her.
A few weeks later I thought about it and wondered why I didn’t really want her to kiss her. She’s hot, I used to have a thing for her, she kissed me! It didn’t really make sense why I didn’t want her to kiss me.
On the way back from her cousin’s, we were sitting together on the bus and she sent me a text message saying “Things started going bad with Natasha when you and I hung out at the beginning of the summer. I wanted to kiss you since that night.” It surprised me, and I wasn’t really sure what to say. Right now, I regret not having just kissed her right then and there.
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