gone

Before tonight, the only element I really connected with was air. The meditation was easy and fun and I got into it right away. I didn’t want to leave. someone said it looked like I was having a lot of fun during my meditation, I guess I was. I was just really comfortable being filled with the element of air.

Tonight was ether. itsthe absence of all specific elements, and just the potential of elements becoming, we went through all 4 elements, 1 at a time, feeling the “potential” in between every element. We started with the most solid element, going to the lightest, and least graspable. Although, I don’t even remember getting through earth. I remember someones voice, leading us briefly through a ground and centre. Then forming a glass shell around our bodies, here I started having a hard time to concentrate on what she was saying. I usually zone out and don’t actually pay attention to what he or she says through a guided meditation, I don’t consciously listen, but I still know what she’s saying, but this time I really needed to listen to every single word that was said to be able to follow, and that was causing me to be off balance. So I decided to let my mind take me where it wanted to go, and trust that I’d unconsciously listen to what was being said and that’s where I would go.
I’m not sure why, but flash back of the previous night, which was a pretty stressful and emotional night, popped into my head, so I tried pushing them away by thinking of her. It helped but then I was totally off from the meditation. I tried coming back to the words and sounds in the room and I couldn’t come back. Then I realized I couldn’t feel parts of my body. I knew I could feel my chest and shoulders so I tried following the feeling in my shoulders all the way down to my hands but the feeling got lost somewhere by my elbows, I couldn’t feel them, they felt all contorted and twisted. They didn’t feel right, I didn’t know where they were on my body, I wasn’t even sure they were attached to it.
The more I tried feeling my body, the further away it seemed. My head felt millions of miles away from my body. I was looking down at my body, trying to come back. I felt tears fall down my cheeks, down my chin and drip onto my chest, so I knew my head wasn’t literally detached from my body. I tried moving my fingers and feet to feel where they were but all I managed to do was small twitches.
I realized that the whole time I couldn’t really hear anyone talking, I knew there were voices but I didn’t really hear anything they said, and what i did head, I couldn’t understand.
I tried breathing, breathing always helps right? The deeper I tried to breathe, the faster my heart beat and the harder it was to breathe. I wasn’t breathing heavily I don’t think, but I know I was breathing really fast, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, as if it was trying to make me come back, and I knew my head was pounding too, but I couldn’t really feel it.
I was fighting the feeling that something was pulling at me, pulling me away. I was afraid that if I just let the feeling be, and take me where ever it would have taken me, I would just float away and not find my way back.
I started hearing the person leading every one back, I think I started coming back, I kept trying to open my eyes but I started hearing something. I don’t know what it was, crying or whistling or whispering, it was a noise. and I could only hear it from my left ear. I don’t know if it was a spirit or if I could just hear extremely well and I was hearing someone’s breathing. I opened my eyes finally and as soon as I did, I started crying really hard. I curled my self up in a ball, hiding my face behind my hands. I don’t know what made me cry.

I came back though, so I’m good, but it freaked the shit out of me at the time. I don’t know if I was prepared, but I definitely wasn’t expecting it. I’m not sure how many people actually go through outer body experiences.

I’m definitely happy about it, and I’m exited to go through it again, maybe better prepared this time, and not resisting, and with a goal, not just floating off into nowhere to get lost.