Might have probably really fucked it up

So apparently Rachael's been reading MY status updates on facebook, but I dont know which ones she's read. I'm happy she doesn't read this blog. . . and FUCK! if she does.

My status updates consist of "Gabrielle maybe I should just give up on everyone completely"
"Gabrielle thinks she should maybe not be alone right now"
"my crystal actually cracked a little... and I can't see through it"
"ffff"
"Gabrielle hates feeling like she hates you"
and "Gabrielle Is apparently still a little naive but surprisingly reacted maturely...?"

If she read my blog, I might feel like a littel bit of a stalker...

I accidentally sent her two text messages that were meant for someone else. Something like "well imgaine she's in love with a girl not a guy, what would you do?" and "she's not bi, she's not attracted to his body but she's still in love with him" or something. Which in a very bad way sounds like the situation she's in only she is bi, she is in love with him, he is male and she is very much attracted to him(.. which I kinda hate)

BUT it's totally not what the texts meant! only she doesn't know that, this is what she replied.

"I dont know who you meant to text, but I'm in love with him and I'm very attracted to his body. I'm bi and you knew that. The texts i just got show me that you're lying to me about how you feel. I dont want to be involved with you."

I was at my grandmother's sitting at the kitchen table wiht my mom and grandmother when I read this, and I just felt like balling my eyes out which I couldn't even do. Whatever I replied, she answered "For some reason I don't believe you"

I wasn't lying to her, I wouldn't lie to her, ever.

"well last night you said you were fine, and I saw your facebook post. I'm inclined to think you aren't as okay as you're telling me."

No! I'm not OKAY. Like FUCK.. I feel like I jsut got my heart ripped up. Maybe I was fine when she asked. But I'm not okay. I'm confused and depressed, have been for a few weeks. Spending 5 days with her really distracted me and cheered me up and talking to her would distract me from all my fucked up-ness for a little while. But now I'm just fucked up. I dont really have a reason to be happy. I over think everything which is why I'm so over emotional and hurt about this we-weren't-in-a-relationship-to-start-of-with-breakup.

I really do feel like I hate her right now, and I hate feeling like this. Apparently you can't hate someone if you're never loved them. If I do hate her, if I do hate how she's treated me, I guess I really must love her. I hate what she's doing because I do love who she is.

I don't date bisexuals, I sleep with bisexuals, I'm friends with bisexuals, but the only person that can have a relationship with, be involved with, have feelings for a bisexual is another bisexual.

But I fell for her anyhow. Err... I dont know if I fell for her, but I do love her. And I overthink everything, and get too emotional and hurt more than I need to and get all confused about everything.