Vicious Cycle

I don't give a shit about anything anymore... I'm annoyed with everything. I say things to make people react because I look for a reaction from people.. I guess that means I use everyone.

When I'm down, a friend might try to cheer me up and I push them away which causes a reaction on their part because I shut them out, but that makes me feel better.

I tell a girl I like her, because I think I might, ... I don't get the reaction I want. I never get the reaction I want from her.

I can't handle anything anymore.

I want to be happy, but I can't be.

I can't sleep. I'm sooo tired. I want to sleep during the day because I didn't sleep the night before. I get home and I can finally sleep in my bed, but everything is a distraction or certain things are preventing me from sleeping. I shouldn't sleep because I wont sleep at night.
It's 3am.. I'm still awake. I'm scared. I miss her, the one I really do care for, the one that really believes I do. I can't stop thinking. Everything is wrong.
4am, I finally fall asleep. 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Work all day. Lacking sleep.. it starts all over again.
I though I was happy, but maybe I wasn't.
I felt like I needed to cut, but I was happy. It never hurt, I never hurt. But I now have new scars to show, or hide. Is this when it all started again?

The first time it started off in short periods : sad, depressed, crying, cutting, happy, horny, painting, sad, depressed... Getting longer and longer and finally evening out so that I felt okay again. Maybe I was really happy before it all started. Maybe that's what sets it off... Or maybe I am too happy because it's all a vicious cycle.

My thoughts go from wanting to lose connection with everyone and everything to being scared about all the little things that scare me for no reason to somehow fantacizing about this girl.. and what I could being doing to her if I was with her right now, where my hands could be.

Then all over again, I'm annoyed with everything. All I want to do is sleep, cry, tell everyone to fuck off.

When I realize that I should have it easy. Why the fuck am I like this? Why the fuck is everything so hard when there are people in this world, that I know, have it so much harder than me and they can get through it fine.

I can get through things fine, good, bad, fucked up, exiting. I can deal. Someone needs my help, needs me to be there for them, to have someone to talk to; I forget that I was ever crying.

What the FFFF is wrong with me?